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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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being high on people's lists of priorities makes me uneasy.
clearing people from my list of priorities -- now that i am used to.
if i am lacking patience, then i am probably just with you because i am lonely.
my latest favorite fruit is blackberries, the fruit that resembles chunks of tumors.
it seems as though i never had a certifiable reason to cry. therefore i pick my own time and place to let myself go for no reason.
latest favorite love song would be "The Way I Am", by Ingrid Michaelson. youtube it, itune it, whatever. fall in love with it.
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i kind of miss the days when i used to post ever so often and getting all the comments saying "i feel you," "i totally agree," even when some of these comments didn't make any sense at all. i've pretty much cried every night for what must've been over ten days. i don't feel for metaphorical references, let's say i simply feel very bad these days. as for what major crisis i had gone through lately, there was none. the individual components of my life seem to be pretty sane; i just don't feel like i'm holding up the big picture too well. as for social support, i am wayyyyy too lazy. there is too much criteria for two people to be friends, all the shoe
sharing, the guts spilling, the fucking... what the hell, i say we wait for the genetically-engineered and mass-produced homosexuals.
i still check my subscriptions three times a day at the least, mind you. meanwhile, i seldom read anything; just kinda check to see if everybody is still on board.
Peekaboo＝）
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last night i heard fireworks.
saw nothing.
thought perhaps i am a euphemism to pessimism.
wondered if it's advisable to worry about tomorrow's regrets today.
evidently i've been antisocial online; and i use the word "online"
loosely. the sad thing that happens when taking
one of these Breaks is when you realize you had barely anyone to talk to in the first place. it's like the unemployed's strike
-- "for future reference, you MAY hire me, but i WILL refuse to work."
well screw that i'm boycotting nominal vacations...
but at any rate, i did see fireworks last year around this time, with a
friend. we went over our futures that night. my ex-future went like
this: i'll have some job; white shirt and
black skirt everyday; i'll get married; he has 31 shirts
hanging in his closet; i have 30 black wool coats as
well as chronic depression.
my future-of-late goes like this: _________________ ... _______.
sharpie, charcoal, gauche, watercolor, whatever. the first two were done in class. anyways.. very uninspirational stage in life. i've been doing some mail art though, this i won't share.
i think i am slowly picking up a little bit of security from my new found quackish determination. nowadays when they ask i'd tell them i'm a finance major (which is true by the way). i can finally and temporarily knock down my big question mark, along with the army of exclamation points supplied by my geographically very remote family. i feel a little less inadequate, in context with other human beings (which is also true by the way, to a degree); i am no longer an indeterminate; i am a thing-- hi i'm nanan, i'm a finance major. i think being chinese and counting on unconditional support from the family is like playing with fire. of course they'll always love you, but you'll probably have to grow your own rice to survive if you were to step into any "wildly inappropriate" fields.
it's nice to think in future tense every once in a while. but the inquirers i do hate; all the "what are you going to do? where are you going to be?" if you don't answer them they'll come back to check on you a week later; it's almost as if they are afraid that you are going to end up sucking at life and they are going to starve by association.
in any case... i bumped into the construction workers in my building one day and found that they are renovating the apartment on the basement floor, meaning that the old Eastern European who used to live there has moved. i never noticed. he lived alone, i've never talked to this man. i was convinced that he is intimadating, as well as Eastern European. but one
of these days i was rushing out of home at 7: 30 in the
morning. and as i ran down the stairs, i heard laughters coming out of his apartment. the old Eastern European was
watching TV
again, as always, another one of those TV sitcoms where the laughters and applauses are played well before the joke is received by the actual audience.
so i was thinking, this is exactly the kind of life i want to live: get up
early every morning, bright and shiny; turn on the TV; have a
grapefruit; read the tabloids; write on my wall (ideally all my walls are doodle-friendly); go out for a walk; say hi to the
butcher (ideally i can cook); have a cup of coffee; visit the flea market; go home, so on...
then i realized something, in my ideal life, i live alone. this was unplanned.
when
i have freer times, i am going to make myself a sign that says
"serious" on one side and "not serious" on the other. gonna hang it around my neck, it'd be a nice
tribute to all of those who are distressed by my deadpan-ness.
on a final note, don't count on me, i have no future. that and i obviously was not working on being concise during my xanga hiatus.
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as much as i detest today, i have yet to fall in love with tomorrow.
give me the signal, i am ready to run away.
excuse my bad grammar
i spitting am on the person next who about asks future plans my.
evil japanese guy from Seattle kept me up till five this morning. i did not know i had such potential, to stay on the phone for a good five hours i mean. as a result, today i
am a bigger zombie head than ever.
it hurts a little to find that i have so much to say.
suppose i am crediting my good disgretion to my optimistic nature, my optimistic nature that i begin with thinking the worst, and end with feeling a little better. sometimes i think it is really unfair that i have any judgment at all. i wish i can lend it to people who will bank on it, take good care of it. as for me, i can only chew on it and then spit it out.
i should take up on a better hobby. i think i suffer from gum mentality.
you know, the inability to wholeheartedly take in.
last night i looked through some of my really old picture posts from before. and i was thinking... oh no, i looked/look like THE Emo Teen of America.
stuff i made long time ago. i remember showing my mother, and a few personal friends. i don't do these things much now. and the little kiddie art class i teach on Saturdays is not that fun anymore. sometimes i watch the kids and i wonder if one of them will become me someday.
i highly suspect that i ever really grew up. i just, stretched thin.
when i grow up, i still want to be the immature woman with hair sticking up.
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